We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
