Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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