I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
