I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
one two three fourrrrnication!
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
