Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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