im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
