I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Your dad touched me again.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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