If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
