and you said cock pushups were impossible
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
