Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
