I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
