if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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