Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
