I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
