Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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