meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
