I didn't shave. On purpose
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
3pm strippers are depressing
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
