Me. At least after what I've been through.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
