Just cropdusted the office
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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