I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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