I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Couch. On fire.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
