There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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