Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
