In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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