Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
