I think my fart just growled at me.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
