it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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