just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
