May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
