Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
