we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
