Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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