If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
