My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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