Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
