Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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