A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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