tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm determined to sit on that face.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
