Old men and throwing up are my life now.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I think I sprained my soul last night
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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