You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
