I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
