phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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