well I can't set my house on fire every night
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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