i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
