I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Do you still have your period?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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