You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
