Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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