I am puke
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
