I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
