i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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