what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
